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Virginity Restorer

Whether you're looking to restore your youthful innocence, relive the "big moment" of junior, or college, or if you're just feeling traditional (being pure on your wedding night: priceless) our affordable virginity restoration package is just the thing!

Works for both men and women! Don't ask how.

Our patented method is safe, painless and approved by all major Western religions! Non-disclosure rules prohibit our revealing how it's done, but let's just say you'll feel snug as a bug in a rug when you're done!

Mail order kit includes everything you need to turn back time in the privacy of your own home or monastery/nunnery. Satisfaction guaranteed. Simply return the unused portion for a full refund, minus restocking fees.

Note: Kit not effective for reversing pregnancy.


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Sirius Mercantile Logo Mug
Standard white mug with the "Sirius Mercantile" logo.

Customer Reviews
R slicker ( 2005-11-05 23:04:11
Wacky yank shite=second hand monty pythonisms 30 years too late.
luis ( 2005-04-23 02:50:51
i was raped by a mule and gang banged by monkeys in africa. thanks to sirius i now have my virginity back. THANKS SIRIUS!
Brad ( 2005-03-08 02:09:19
Last week I was skull fucked by a huge turtle. This product mented piereced virginity in no time at all, with remarkable results!

Tank you sirius!
Annette ( 2005-01-27 21:34:07
I was raped by a giant Labrador whilst fastening my shoelace in the park. This product restored by virginity and dignity ready for my wedding day. The only thing was on my wedding night I realised I'd enjoyed the Labrador more than my new husband Eric. But I thank Sirius (siriusly!) for the product.
rachael ( 2004-09-30 03:40:02
oh i can't even begin to say how wonderful this product is! with this great product it can feel like the first time every time!! don't just by one!! by as many as you can! reclaiming ones virginity is the most marvelous thing since sliced bread!! thank you sirius mercantile!!