The chefs at Sirius Kitchens have finally done it. Using a secret, patented process, the Sirius chefs have compressed the equivalent of 12 pounds of pure chocolate and almost 15 pounds of sugar into an ordinary 1 pound birthday cake.

CAUTION: Do not eat this cake if you are taking heart medication. Side effects include dizziness, nausea, euphoria, mania and Louisiana. Always wear eye-protection when blowing out candles on the super-stoker birthday cake.